(the transcript from that presser had better be in bold font and all caps)
Welp folks looks like we have a new member to join Wisconsin in the 'Don't kill myself' books book club! Stand up Iowa State! I'd say this is mind boggling but honestly I'm not shocked. ESPN spends a whole week talking about the struggles of Mac Brown and the Texas program, then they have Texas on for a prime time game and the officials gift them an extra play to score the wining touchdown. Even though no whistle blew until AFTER the running back had the ball stolen from his hands like a marble rye And, shock of shocks, NO explanation as to how it's even remotely possible that Texas got the ball back! Just a good old fashion 'the ruling on the field stands.' You know what needs to be instituted? Referee post game press conferences. Just so we get some sort of rational for these calls. 'So what happened at the end of the game with the Iowa State fumble recovery?' 'Haha, you guys are gonna LAUGH. Look what happened is we called forward progress but literally no one blew their whistle which is the only way to end a play! Isn't that weird? Anyhow I think we all just thought the other one would blow a whistle and before you know it that kid from Iowa State had the ball! Haha, ahhhhhhhh poor kid. Thought he had won the biggest home game of the year for his team. Ah well. We'll see you next week!'