According to all the news outlets making it their job to scare you into being well-informed, the new thing to fear lately is alcoholic energy drinks. On college campuses across the country, where alcohol and caffeine have made quite the impression upon the youth, companies are providing the easy answer to studying/partying/doingitfornoreason. Mix a six pack of beer's-worth of alcohol in with a ton of caffeine and sugar and stir. What's happening? Well, CNN's got your answer.

The short story is that college kids are doing what college kids do. Stupid ****. And with Mommy and Daddy's money no less.

News outlets make money because they show you why you need to be scared senseless of your toaster on Monday, your blender on Tuesday, and of your kitchen table's cancer-giving properties the rest of your week. So I tend to take their reports as it pertains to societal's true ills with a grain of salt.

That said, WE NEED TO GET RID OF THIS CAFFEINATED-ALCOHOLIC-NIGHTMARE PRONTO!!!1!!1!! College kids are good for soaking up our knucklehead jobs while learning more sophisticated ways to build a better bomb, but the LAST thing we need is them taking LESS time to get ridiculously F'ed up.

If they don't wanna wait for coffee to brew to get caffeine they can buy a pop or energy drink. If they wanna get smashed like a watermelon fresh after a Gallagher show, then make them go through the proper channels: bribing their buying-age older brother with money and free labor like everyone else! Putting all that destructive power in one place for the easily influenced young mind is like teaching a deer to shoot a rifle. Bad. Juju.