_becauseMondayssuck blog because Mondays suck

  • A Touch Of Life Before The World Reveals Itself

    Posted by Span

    Courtesy of Youtube

     

    My seat was made of yellow plastic. It was so uncomfortable I had to swing my legs to keep them from going numb. Wind casually brushed the concern from my face on this cool autumn afternoon. The fallen reds and yellows crunched under the bike tires as my dad rode us through residential neighborhoods, one after the other.

    Time moves quickly when everything is stimuli from the trees and bushes, to the dogs, the houses, the people, the cars, and, eventually, the road itself with all its random patterns of pavement and crushed rock. Before I knew it the welcoming, steel arms of the Ambassador Bridge stretched above our heads while my big, strong Pop pedaled us over the water to safety.

    My big, strong Pop has long proven that he's not that big, or even that strong. But he loved me enough to give me that memory. One I carry with me, especially in autumn, when I lower the window a little and remember when nothing could hurt me cuz Pops was there.

    According to the story this little girl, Alexa Narvaez, was on her way to bed when they decided to perform this cover of Edward Sharp And The Magnetic Zeros. Though she may have been tired and a bit crabby after all the bad takes due to faulty equipment, she can't help but light up when she looks up in her Daddy's eyes. Years from now, when she's long forgotten the lyrics to this song, she'll remember this thanks to the video and light up all over again.

     

  • Cats InterWebs Too!

    Posted by Span

    Courtesy of Youtube

     

    I had no idea cats could be so web-proficient. Look at those paws work that keyboard. It makes sense considering one of the computer's most used tools is shaped after their hated enemy and natural food source, mice. Check it out. And smile!

     

  • The...Swagger Wagon??

    Posted by Span

    Courtesy of Youtube

    I don't like hiphop parodies. There, I said it. I've spent a good deal of my life trying to figure out why. Maybe it's cuz I'm not a fan of parody in general. I mean, if the original was good, why make fun of it?

    Weird Al's "All About The Pentiums" kind of changed my thinking though. It's ok to be a purist about certain things, but funny is funny. And Weird Al was FUNNY.

    Courtesy of Youtube

    There's been plenty others since to catch my attention from Natalie Portman to the boys in The Lonely Island comedy group. Then I found Swagger Wagon.

    Courtesy Of Youtube

    How on EARTH could I not adore a parody where that cute little girl is daring me to diss her ride? Exactly. You won't either.

    Where all my MotherFathers at? Wow. Wasn't ready. REPLAY.

  • Luke Worrall (Kelly Osbourne's Ex) Should Fear For His Life

    Posted by Span

    Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

    The first thing I asked when I read about Kelly Osbourne Twitter-izing her hatred for her ex-fiance was, "Why do I care?" MTV.com, Popeater.com, People.com, and several other websites are all reporting on it. But besides being Ozzy Osbourne's daughter, what has she done? Nothing. So for that reason more than any other, I fear for Luke Worrall's life.

    Ozzy Osbourne is a world famous rock star, reality television personality, and citizen of the world who's managed to attain all of that while looking like this:

    Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

     

    Ozzy Osbourne has bitten the head off of a live bat on stage, taken a whole HECK of a lot of drugs, crashed an ATV, and all while doddering around on wobbly legs and speaking a dialect of the king's English that no one who speaks English understands. He just turned 62 this month, just put out an album with a #1 Rock single and a Top-5 Rock single on it, is still touring, and to date has sold approximately 30 million albums worldwide.

    Famous people this year alone have died all over the place. Heather Ledger was 28 when he died. Comedian Greg Giraldo from numerous Comedy Central Roasts was just about to break big time when he peaced out at 44. Gary Coleman, the smart talking brother of Willis in Diff'rent Strokes, died under suspicious circumstances at 42. Yet still, Ozzy walks the earth.

    The easiest way to hide is in plain sight. So all this talk about Ozzy being the Prince Of Darkness may not just be talk. It might be truth. No overdose, no accident, no on stage accident could claim him because nothing will. I mean, scientists are studying his body to see just how on earth he's managed to survive all this time. And his powers of The Dark Side are so strong he's also managed to make his wife a reality television star and talk show host, his son a director, and his daughter a globe-trotting socialite famous only for being his daughter and recently losing weight. His response?

    "Thahnkyehzoosnerlebbuhtribolobbum stickers greblesnuff!"

     

    Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

     

    So now Kelly is pissed at her ex-fiance, Luke Worrall. We don't know what he did. we only know what she says. And for one with rage so great and powers so vast and far reaching as Ozzy's, that's all that's needed. Ozzy hasn't said a word to the press. So you can expect Luke Worrall to disappear like a vapor on the wind and for his remains to be scattered from the top of Mount Vesuvius.

    Be sure though that when young Luke takes his last breath on this plane before he is snatched up by the darkest oblivion, this is the last thing his eyes will see:

    Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

    *GASP* A living nightmare to be true!

  • OMG! Usher Vs. Homer Simpson!

    Posted by Span

    Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

    Did Usher plagiarize Homer Simpson? Youtimdotcom thinks so. He/She/It decided the similarities were too close to ignore and made a Youtube video to compare them.

    But let's be honest. If you're gonna find simplicity in melodic delivery, who else but Homer? Were he an actual (jaundice-yellow skinned) human being, he'd have just enough brain matter to eat donuts and then to sing about about eating donuts. (With one more cubic centimeter of brains he'd have just enough to feed a starving zombie for two minutes! Yaaaay!)

    So you be the judge. Did Usher scribe a hit single on his abs consisting mainly of Homer's musical ingenuity? Tell me true!

  • Jared Leto Lays The Smack Down

    Posted by Span

    Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

    30 Seconds To Mars has a new video called "Hurricane". Actually, it's more like a film. An art film. An art film you see in an art house just outside the downtown area of a city where everyone's wearing horned rim glasses, piercings in unfortunate places, and drinking Starbucks' coffee because the nearby local coffeehouse went "too corporate."

    This music video SLASH art film, as brought to you by the movie "Country Song" and Herbal Essences, can be found on their website: toomanycharacters.paininthebutt.grief/blog. But be forewarned. In the CENCORED version there is a lot (A LOT) of fetish wear, breasts, and Jared Leto's abs. In the UNCENSORED version the blocks covering the boobies are removed. In some cases against my most furious protests.

    Lightning strikes rain down upon the city to start the video, but all actual rain never appears. Jared is asleep when someone knocks on his door. He gets up to investigate whereupon both his abs and the Fujifilm Instax MINI 7s White Instant Film Camera make their appearance. You learn not only that no one is on the other side of the door, but that Mr. Leto wears a skirt, pants, socks, and sneakers to bed.

    Courtesy of Youtube

    This is an art film though, so the story cannot progress unless Jared investigates. So he opens his door, shirtless, to investigate and sees a man in a gimp mask (the first of many) with a sledgehammer. Jared, fearful, runs back through his living space and jumps out the window. He lives near the top floor of a triple-digit-story building, but that doesn't phase him as he lands comfortably on his feet. If he can do that, then why run from Mr. Gimpy?

    Courtesy of Youtube

    That was the first of many many questions I had to ask. Also:

    Why is Jared sporting a mullet?

    How did Jared lose ALL his shirts?

    Why are all the women dressed like they escaped a dungeon?

    When did Jared Leto learn Muy Thai?

    Courtesy of Youtube

    The other two members of MARS are in it too, with their own fights scenes no less. But if you watch this, it's probably for Jared Leto's abs. They deserve an Oscar as they seem to have worked harder than anyone else.

  • Mark Zuckerberg: As If He Didn't Have Enough Rewards

    Posted by Span

    Mark Zuckerberg is Time Magazine's Person Of The Year. It's a prestigious title. So make sure to take a look at who they're giving it to:

    Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

     

    Just an average, ordinary guy. Not superhuman. Not even his intellect, which is pretty extraordinary in its own right. But he's not Stephen Hawking or Einstein. Just a dude that liked making computer stuff. Especially a website that derogatorily compared girl's faces because he knew he didn't have a shot with any of them.

    He got in a lot of trouble for that website. But his next move was facebook. So I guess all's well that ends well.

    Take a look at him though. Billionaire at 23. Time Magazine Person Of The Year at 26. And poised to have the ONLY website (or business for that matter) that could take down the almighty Google. All while giving lectures to college students in his finest hangover gear.

    Dios mio. Is it too late to learn Chinese?

  • It's Like Jerry Springer...But in Cantonese Chinese

    Posted by Span

    Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

     

    I miss watching the Jerry Springer Show. The man pioneered Junk Food TV in a way that Donahue, Sally Jesse Raphael, and Maury Povich never could. You could even argue he whetted America's appetite for reality television. He gave crazy people a forum to behave as purely bonkers as they wanted and crafted his audience to exploit it for 48 minutes a day. Then, to absolve himself, he encouraged us to be better than the very guests he made money exploiting.

    GENIUS!!!!!

    The most important thing that show taught me was that white or black, rich or poor, American or other, we were all the same. The same wants, desires, petty jealousies, and voyeuristic streaks ran in all of us. Some were just more willing to bare them for an international television audience even if for naught but a free vacation. In Chicago (or wherever the show is filmed now).

    In homage, this is a video of two girls fighting over a guy. In Cantonese Chinese. And subtitled like a Bruce Lee flick. No matter what language, color of skin, income level (see how many dang shopping bags she has??!?), or social class (prom queen vs nerd), we. Are. All. The. Same.

     

  • The Iphone Is Getting On My Nerves...Seriously

    Posted by Span


    Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

    See that? It's the much adored Iphone in its 4th generation interpretation. For as much as $299 (or $25 if you're willing to sign your life away in your children's blood) you can have a phone that does...um...a lot of stuff that doesn't matter. Want a fake gun? Or a fake lightsaber? You can even find dates with an Iphone app. Here's the deal though:

    NO MATTER WHAT THIS GUY TELLS YOU, IT'S JUST A TELEPHONE!!!!!

    Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

     

    You know, like those things that used to be either welded to a wall in your house by the blood and steel of the American Middle Class Worker or prettily sitting on a table filled with magazines, trinkets, and tchotchkes??! They rang loudly enough to ruin your hearing and you never knew who was on the end of it (except when it was your heavy breathing creepy neighbor)?? Yeah, the Iphone is the SAME FRIGGIN' THING, except it fits in your pocket and plays Cee Lo Green's "F*** You*" when your lazy, cheating ex calls (I don't know what you saw in him either)!!

    Those of you taking out personal loans and maxing out credit cards with $5000 (or more) limits seriously need to reevaluate what the heck a "priority" is and get a cellular phone that WORKS LIKE A CELLULAR PHONE. Not one that constantly drops calls, and randomly siphons cash money outta your pocket!!

  • Mama And Baby Ducks Vs. The Wind

    Posted by Span

    This is mostly funny because none of them were harmed. Even though those adorable little baby ducks get blown hither and thither like little tennis balls with toothpicks sticking out of them, they just gather themselves together and seek out mommy.

    That is, until another gust blows them a lot harder and farther than before. Mama duck could barely keep it together herself! But they all get up, un-dizzify, and get back to mom in one piece. Or twelve, rather.

     

     

  • How Men's Bikini Briefs Nearly Ruined My Life

    Posted by Span

    On our station facebook I confessed that one of my worst Christmas presents ever given me was a tube of men's bikini underwear. From an aunt. Besides the potential implications, there were more common concerns. However, I was a naive young boy with no knowledge of how such a thing could sting. Naturally, life put the lesson to me. Right upside my head.
    I was 16 and experiencing my first "laundry day" before I truly knew what it meant to have a "laundry day". The important fact was that I had no clean undergarments. I was already running late for school and there was no way to miracle some freshness in time for school. I had no choice. I went straight to the bottom of the drawer and brought out THE TUBE, a small package of men's bikini briefs. As given me by an aunt.
    I knew I was in trouble before I even hit 3rd period. Simply put, the aunt who'd purchased THE TUBE had underestimated. If I was European, I'd have been ecstatic. But I was a Michigan-born American youth. With gym class rapidly approaching. Life after this kind of embarrassment would be a daunting prospect.
    I was sweating more before gym class than I did in it. Staggering my locker room entrance to get some alone time to change was easy. Figuring out how to switch back into civilian clothes in private was not. Being late to another class that semester meant detention. Detention meant missing soccer practice. Missing soccer practice meant losing playing time to a younger, hungrier goalkeeper. So...I panicked a little.
    I waited until no one was looking and made a Superman-esque pants switch that awes me to this day. But it was hot and gross and uncomfortable in both the locker room and in my clothes now and I just wanted out. A chance to relax and collect my thoughts in the first few minutes of my next class. So instead of hitting the mini-hallway to exit the locker room, I chose the side door. The same side door that opens directly into the school hallway. The same side door that, when left open, provides a direct view into the shower room.
    I'M GONNA KILL YOU SPAN!!!!
    His name was Nate, and he was an upper classman. And he was pissed. I'm sure no one actually saw his bits 'n' pieces when I left through that dang door, but that didn't matter. He was mad. And I'd been at fault.
    I got lucky though. He never actually hunted me down like he'd promised. And I got off lucky not having to actually admit to having worn men's bikini briefs to school. Until now. 

    On our station facebook I confessed that one of my worst Christmas presents ever given me was a tube of men's bikini underwear. From an aunt. Besides the potential implications, there were more common concerns. However, I was a naive young boy with no knowledge of how such a thing could sting. Naturally, life put the lesson to me. Right upside my head.

     

    thanks to capture queen on flickr creative commons

     

    I was 16 and experiencing my first "laundry day" before I truly knew what it meant to have a "laundry day". The important fact was that I had no clean undergarments. I was already running late for school and there was no way to miracle some freshness in time. I had no choice. I went straight to the bottom of the drawer and brought out THE TUBE, a small package of men's bikini briefs. As given me by an aunt.

     

    I knew I was in trouble before I even hit 3rd period. Simply put, the aunt who'd purchased THE TUBE had underestimated. If I was European, I'd have been ecstatic. But I was a Michigan-born American youth. With gym class rapidly approaching. Life after this kind of embarrassment would be a daunting prospect.

     

    I was sweating more before gym class than I did in it. Staggering my locker room entrance to get some alone time to change was easy. Figuring out how to switch back into civilian clothes in private was not. Being late to another class that semester meant detention. Detention meant missing soccer practice. Missing soccer practice meant losing playing time to a younger, hungrier goalkeeper. So...I panicked a little.

     

    I waited until no one was looking and made a Superman-esque pants switch that awes me to this day. But it was hot and gross and uncomfortable in both the locker room and in my clothes now and I just wanted out. A chance to relax and collect my thoughts in the first few minutes of my next class. So instead of hitting the mini-hallway to exit the locker room, I chose the side door. The same side door that opens directly into the school hallway. The same side door that, when left open, provides a direct view into the shower room.

     

    I'M GONNA KILL YOU SPAN!!!!

     

    thanks to tim caynes and the flickr creative commons

     

    His name was Nate, and he was an upper classman. And he was pissed. I'm sure no one actually saw his bits 'n' pieces when I left through that dang door, but that didn't matter. He was mad. And I'd been at fault.

     

    I got lucky though. He never actually hunted me down like he'd promised. And I got off lucky not having to actually admit to having worn men's bikini briefs to school. Until now. 

  • What It Looks Like When The Internet Steals Your Innocence

    Posted by Span

    Long before the onset of 2 Girls 1 Cup (you really DON'T wanna know) ruined ice cream for curious adolescents world wide, there were chat rooms. Chat rooms with real human beings on the end of the ridiculous words I read, not bots and spammers like there tend to be now. And many, many times I answered "yes" to questions I never should have.

    Do you wanna see...?
    Have you heard of...?
    Did you know that...?

    Now I know I should have run. Run far. Run hard. Now I wake up screaming to some of the pictures and video that I've had sent to my ignorant, innocent little fledgling gmail account. But it has made my constitution strong and I'm a better man for it. Better for what? Um...er...gimme a minute on that one.

    When I saw this video I recognized the look on that boy's face. That look of raw, unbelieving awe over something that impossible existing in the world, nay, the universe.  the internet excels at, beyond anything, groping for the most obscurely frightening idea and baring it, sometimes in HD-caliber clarity, before your unprepared soul. If you look closely, you can actually see his innocence fleeing his body in terror.